Children's Reactions to Parental Control

Although parenting professionals have advocated for strict discipline and punishment, for parents to control their children, they don't tell you how your children respond to this type of interaction.  How do you feel as a parent and adult when someone tries to control you.  That someone may be insensitive to your feelings and doesn't respect you as a person.  That's exactly how children feel.  Thomas Gordon, founder of the Parent Effectiveness Training wrote a list of children's reactions.  I want to share them with you today.

Resisting, defying, being negative Rebelling, disobeying, being insubordinate, sassing Retaliating, striking back, counterattacking, vandalizing Hitting, being belligerent, combative Breaking rules and laws Throwing temper tantrums, getting angry Lying, deceiving, hiding the truth Blaming others, tattling, telling on others Bossing or bullying others Banding together, forming alliances, organizing against the adult Apple-polishing, buttering up, soft-soaping, bootlicking, currying favor with adults Withdrawing, fantasizing, daydreaming Competing, needing to win, hating to lose, needing to look good, making others look bad Giving up, feeling defeated, loafing, goofing off Leaving, escaping, staying away from home, running away, quitting school, cutting classes Not talking, ignoring, using the silent treatment, writing the adult off, keeping one's distance Crying, weeping; feeling depressed or hopeless Becoming fearful, shy, timid, afraid to speak up, hesitant to try anything new Needing reassurance, seeking constant approval, feeling insecure Getting sick, developing psychosomatic ailments Overeating, excessive dieting Being submissive, conforming, complying; being dutiful, docile, apple-polishing, being a goody-goody, teacher's pet Drinking heavily, using drugs Cheating in school, plagiarizing

As you might expect, after parents and teachers in the class generate their list, and realize that it was created out of their own experience, they invariably make such comments as:

"Why would anyone want to use power, if these are the behaviors it produces?" "All of these coping mechanisms are behaviors that I wouldn't want to see in my children [or my students]." "I don't see in the list any good effects or positive behaviors." "If we reacted to power in those ways when we were kids, our own children certainly will, too."

After this exercise, some parents and teachers undergo a 180-degree shift in their thinking. They see much more clearly that power creates the very behavior patterns they most dislike in children! They begin to understand that as parents and teachers they are paying a terrible price for using power: they are causing their children or students to develop habits, traits, and characteristics considered both unacceptable by most adults and unhealthy by mental health professionals.

Excerpted with permission of the author from Discipline That Works: Promoting Self-discipline in Children, New York: Plume/Penguin, 1989, (pp. 78-81).

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