Children's Reactions to Parental Control

Although parenting professionals have advocated for strict discipline and punishment, for parents to control their children, they don't tell you how your children respond to this type of interaction.  How do you feel as a parent and adult when someone tries to control you.  That someone may be insensitive to your feelings and doesn't respect you as a person.  That's exactly how children feel.  Thomas Gordon, founder of the Parent Effectiveness Training wrote a list of children's reactions.  I want to share them with you today.

Resisting, defying, being negative Rebelling, disobeying, being insubordinate, sassing Retaliating, striking back, counterattacking, vandalizing Hitting, being belligerent, combative Breaking rules and laws Throwing temper tantrums, getting angry Lying, deceiving, hiding the truth Blaming others, tattling, telling on others Bossing or bullying others Banding together, forming alliances, organizing against the adult Apple-polishing, buttering up, soft-soaping, bootlicking, currying favor with adults Withdrawing, fantasizing, daydreaming Competing, needing to win, hating to lose, needing to look good, making others look bad Giving up, feeling defeated, loafing, goofing off Leaving, escaping, staying away from home, running away, quitting school, cutting classes Not talking, ignoring, using the silent treatment, writing the adult off, keeping one's distance Crying, weeping; feeling depressed or hopeless Becoming fearful, shy, timid, afraid to speak up, hesitant to try anything new Needing reassurance, seeking constant approval, feeling insecure Getting sick, developing psychosomatic ailments Overeating, excessive dieting Being submissive, conforming, complying; being dutiful, docile, apple-polishing, being a goody-goody, teacher's pet Drinking heavily, using drugs Cheating in school, plagiarizing

As you might expect, after parents and teachers in the class generate their list, and realize that it was created out of their own experience, they invariably make such comments as:

"Why would anyone want to use power, if these are the behaviors it produces?" "All of these coping mechanisms are behaviors that I wouldn't want to see in my children [or my students]." "I don't see in the list any good effects or positive behaviors." "If we reacted to power in those ways when we were kids, our own children certainly will, too."

After this exercise, some parents and teachers undergo a 180-degree shift in their thinking. They see much more clearly that power creates the very behavior patterns they most dislike in children! They begin to understand that as parents and teachers they are paying a terrible price for using power: they are causing their children or students to develop habits, traits, and characteristics considered both unacceptable by most adults and unhealthy by mental health professionals.

Excerpted with permission of the author from Discipline That Works: Promoting Self-discipline in Children, New York: Plume/Penguin, 1989, (pp. 78-81).

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Your Child says he's done his chore and he hasn't. What do you do?

Your Child says he's done his chore and he hasn't. What do you do?

Do you have a child who tells you he or she has done a chore and when you check on it, you find it hasn't been done?  or better yet, do you even check their chores?  I would.  It lets the child know you care.

I had a 10 year old who had a laminated chore chart.  All the chores she had to do each day were neatly marked on the chart so they could be marked off daily.  At the end of the week, we'd wipe off the chart and begin a new week.  After six weeks, she still had not done one of her chores which was sweeping the patio outside the kitchen.

A normal response might be to lecture her and punish her with a consequence.  if I did that, she's just sulk away into her room, getting angry at me, instead of looking at her own irresponsible behavior.  what could I do to get her to think about her behavior?  I found something that motivated her to sweep the patio without being reminded.  This is how the scenario went.

Me:       "Emily, have you swept the patio today?"

Emily:    "No, I forgot (smiling)".

Me:       "Thanks for letting me know you're too tired to do your  your chore.  I guess you'll need to go to bed 30 minutes earlier tonight so you'll get enough rest to be able to do the sweeping tomorrow."

When tomorrow came, she forgot to do the chore again.  I thanked her for letting me know she still wasn't getting enough rest and would be going to bed 30  minutes earlier than the night before (1hr).  She began sweeping by the third day and we haven't had a problem with her since.

This approach places the units of concern on the child and not the parent.  Learn to say, "Thanks for letting me know..."  It will you save you from tiresome and frustrating arguments.  let me know how this works for you.           

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Get a Move On! Dealing with Dawdlers

With multiples, sometimes it feels like you're going nowhere fast. It's bad enough getting one child to put on their shoes, pick up toys or head out the door. With two or more to keep track of, it can drive you to distration! Preschoolers are infamous for dawdling and daydreaming, consciously taking extra time to comply with parental requests. With two or more preschoolers to contend with, their procrastinating tendencies can really slow down the household's routine. Here are some tips for parents of twins and multiples, to help discourage dawdling.

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Whining Behaviors at Home

by ParentSurvival911 on Thu 02 Feb 2006 06:25 AM PST  |  Permanent Link  |  Cosmos You notice your child is whining about most everything.  Nothing seems to appease him or her.  You find yourself becoming irritated by the behavior.  Walk up to your child gently touch his ir her shoulder and gently say, "Thanks for letting me know you're tired.  I think it's time for you to go to your room and lie down for a rest for 30 minutes.  Then, when you get up, I bet you won't be so whining."  Then you can calmly walk the child to the bed.  if arguing begins, simply say, "I love you too much to argue."

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Twins of the Week: Lauren and Sadie

Photo reprinted with permisison of Stacey.

Twin sisters, Lauren and Sadie, may be different but they share a special bond. The fraternal twins were 2 years old in this picture.
? Share your thoughts, opinions and advice in the comments section.
? More Worldless Wednesday Posts on About.com.
? Meet More Multiples
? Share Your Story and a picture of your multiples.

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When Your Child Says, "It's not fair!"

You've just asked or told your child to do something he doesn't want to do.  he looks at you with angry eyes and says, "Its not fair!"  Or your daughter wants to do something and you won't let her do it.  She gets huffy and says in a loud voice, "That's not fair!"

How do you respond?  CALMLY.

You do NOT want to get into an argument or discussion defending your position to your child.  After all, you ARE the parent; you have a right to be in charge; especially when you're dealing with young children and those acting like young children.  Children who say this to their parenbts are merely working at manipulating the situation so they get their way.

I suggest looking at your child calmly and quietly saying noithing else except, "I know."  If your child continues to explain why this is upsetting, you continue saying, "I know."  If your child says something that poushes your buttons, you can smile and say, "Honey, I loe you too much to argue."  Then you should walk away.

This is a great Parenting with Love & Logic technique.  If your voice is calm and quiet, your child can't argue as much--there's no wood being added to the fire of arguments to keep things burning.  Your child will eventually calm down and give up when things don't go his or her way.

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Disrespectful. Behavior: How NOT to Deal with It

Disrespectful. Behavior: How NOT to Deal with It

What do you do when your child becomes disrespectful?

All of the actions listed below will guarantee your child not learning the value of a consequence:

1.  Say, "This will teach you a lesson."

2.  Become angry and scold the chil;d.

3.  Moralize or threaten.

4.  Talk too much.

Children usually hear you the first time.  Instead of getting angry, ask your child how he or she wants to pay you back for the disrespectful behavior.  After all, it's very draining to listen to the negative words.  Your child needs to do soomething nice for you to put the energy back that was drained.  More about this iin the next blog entry.

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Preparing Your Child to Read

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LoginUser name:Password: Remember me Create an AccountWhy Create A Reader Account? RSS Newsfeed Main PagePrevious: Dealing with Defiance: 9 ways to handle it Next: Teaching Your Child the Alphabet in Fun Ways Preparing Your Child to Readby ParentSurvival911 on Fri 27 Jan 2006 12:20 PM PST  |  Permanent Link |  CosmosDiane Mascle wrote an article on the importance of preparing your young child to read.  It's called "Preparing Your Child Cognitively to Read."  If you have young children, you may find it useful readinbg. Keywords: children, child Posted to: Main PageTeaching Post a comment No comments found. Trackbacks

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